The Real F Word!
Seriously...
You know, there’s one word in relationships that makes people get real quiet.
They shift in their seats.
They clutch their pearls.
They look around like, “Are we allowed to say that in church?”
And no—I’m not talking about that F word.
What were you thinking?
The real F word in relationships is forgiveness.
Because forgiveness is the one word everyone believes in…
until they actually have to do it.
We love the idea of forgiveness, until we have someone to forgive…
We love the idea of forgiving…We just don’t love the timing, the inconvenience, or the person attached to it.
Forgiveness sounds spiritual—right up until it costs you pride, leverage, or the satisfaction of being right.
And yet, if you want a relationship to last—marriage, friendship, family—
this is the F word you can’t avoid, censor, or substitute.
Because without forgiveness, love doesn’t just struggle…
it flat-out suffocates.
Forgiveness Defined:
First let’s define forgiveness:
Forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t hurt.
It’s choosing healing over history.
Forgiveness is saying, ‘Yes, that happened—and no, I’m not building my future around it.’
“Brothers and sisters, do not hold anything against one another.”
—James 5:9
Forgiveness is commanded in Scripture, but it’s sustained by grace.
Most of us can’t do it without prayer and divine help.
I decide to forgive before I feel forgiving—and I trust God to heal my emotions in His timing.
That is to say:
Forgiveness is biblical. It is also humanly impossible without God showing up.
Forgiveness begins as a decision; the feelings usually show up later—if and when they’re ready.
Benefits of Forgiveness:
Forgiveness acknowledges the hurt, but it makes room for a bigger future.
It’s refusing to let yesterday hijack tomorrow.
In other words, forgiveness isn’t pretending it didn’t hurt.
It’s just saying, “You don’t get to drive anymore.”
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on…”
—Philippians 3:13–14
Forgiveness never minimizes the wound; it maximizes what’s still possible.
Marriage lasts not because love never gets wounded—but because forgiveness keeps showing up like a faithful friend who refuses to leave.
After 34 years with Baby Doll, I can say this:
Lasting love isn’t built on compatibility—it’s built on repentance, repair, and prayer.
So forgive.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Because the God who forgave you
is still writing resurrection stories
in ordinary marriages—
including yours.
Five Keys to Forgiveness in a Committed Relationship
—From the Book of the Bible According to Real Life, 34 Years of Marriage, and a Lot of Grace
Biblical Text
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
—Ephesians 4:32
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
—1 Peter 4:8
Opening Confession
Let me just say this up front:
If forgiveness were easy, marriage counselors would be bored, pastors would need new sermon material, and God wouldn’t have had to put so much ink in the Bible about it.
Forgiveness in marriage is not for the faint of heart, the thin-skinned, or the spiritually lazy. It is the gym membership of love—you don’t get results without showing up, sweating, and resisting the urge to quit when it hurts.
Baby Doll and I have been married and together for 34 years, and let me assure you: that didn’t happen because we never hurt each other.
It happened because we learned how to forgive faster than we could wound.
Longevity in marriage is not about avoiding conflict.
It’s about repairing it before it rots.
So here are the keys—five of them, because marriage is complicated and God apparently trusts us with more than three points.
Kill the Scoreboard
“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” —1 Corinthians 13:5
Let’s be honest—some of you are married to a saint…
…but you’re acting like an accountant.
We love the score. It’s our number one question: What’s the score?
You’ve got spreadsheets.
You’ve got mental receipts.
You’ve got a highlight reel of offenses that could win an Oscar for Best Drama.
Forgiveness dies the moment you turn marriage into a competition.
“I apologized first.”
“I forgave last time.”
“You still owe me from 2017—and don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Here’s the truth:
Marriage is not a courtroom. It’s a covenant.
In a courtroom, someone wins and someone loses.
In a covenant, if one of you loses—you both lose.
“If you need to win the argument more than you need to win the relationship, congratulations—you just lost.”
Baby Doll and I learned early on that keeping score poisons intimacy.
We decided we’d rather be happy than right, and let me tell you—that decision saved us more times than we can count.
Learn the Art of Repair
“Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” —James 1:19
Here’s something wise people have noticed that the Bible already knew:
Healthy couples aren’t the ones who fight less.
They’re the ones who repair faster.
A repair attempt can be as simple as:
Humor
A soft touch
“Hey, I don’t want to fight with you”
“Can we reset?”
But pride loves to ignore repair attempts because pride wants blood.
“Refusing repair doesn’t make you strong—it just makes the argument longer.”
Forgiveness begins when someone has the courage to lower the emotional temperature instead of raising it.
Baby Doll and I learned that saving the relationship mattered more than finishing the argument.
Speak Softly When Emotions Are Loud
“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” —Proverbs 15:1
When emotions run hot, wisdom often leaves the room.
Or think of it this way:
Anger is the wind that blows out the candle of the mind.
Have you ever had your candle go out?
Anger has a megaphone.
Love needs a microphone—and it only works if you turn down the volume.
Forgiveness requires:
Slowing down
Softening your tone
Saying, “Help me understand,” instead of “Here’s why you’re wrong”
Just because you feel something strongly does not mean you should say it immediately.
Some thoughts need to be:
Prayed through
Filtered
Possibly buried in the backyard and never mentioned again
This is a point I have learned the very hard way…
“Tone can sabotage truth faster than lies ever could.”
Forgiveness grows in atmospheres of safety—not sarcasm that cuts or words that scorch.
Baby Doll and I learned that how we talk to each other matters just as much as what we say.
Stop Expecting Your Spouse to Love Like You Do
“Above all, love each other deeply…” —1 Peter 4:8
Here’s where a lot of marriages stall:
You’re not unloved—you’re loved differently.
Some people show love through words.
Some through action.
Some through silence, which is confusing but apparently meaningful to them.
Forgiveness grows when you realize your spouse isn’t withholding love—they’re expressing it through a different emotional language.
“Your spouse is not you—and thank God for that, or your house would be unbearable.”
Baby Doll and I learned that expecting each other to love the same way was a shortcut to resentment.
Learning each other’s emotional world made forgiveness far easier and far faster.
Take Them to the Altar Before You Take Them to the Argument
“Pray for each other so that you may be healed.” —James 5:16
This one is personal, pastoral, and non-negotiable.
One of the greatest discoveries in our marriage has been this simple truth:
It is really hard to hold a grudge against someone you are sincerely praying for.
You can rehearse their faults…
or you can release them to God.
You can nurse bitterness…
or you can kneel in prayer.
But you can’t do both at the same time.
Baby Doll and I have learned to take each other to the altar of the God of love.
When words fail, when emotions tangle, when forgiveness feels expensive—we pray.
Not performative prayers.
Not “Lord, fix them” prayers.
But honest, humble, “God, soften my heart” prayers.
“If you want God to change your marriage, start by letting Him change your prayers.”
Prayer realigns perspective.
It reminds us that the person who wounded us is also someone deeply loved by God—and somehow, miraculously, that softens the soul.
Closing Word
Forgiveness is not excusing wrong.
It’s releasing control.
It’s choosing love over leverage.
It’s saying, “I trust God with justice, and I choose grace.”
After 34 years with Baby Doll, I can say this with confidence:
Forgiveness is not the glue that holds marriage together—
it’s the oil that keeps it from grinding itself to death.
So today, choose forgiveness.
Not because they deserve it—
but because love is worth it.
And because the God who forgave you first
is still in the business of healing hearts, restoring joy,
and making lasting love possible.
And somebody say,
“Pass the grace—and maybe a little patience too.”
The Best Is Yet to Come,
Rev. John Roberts
Forgiveness is vital as we go through life! People will hurt you or anger you, but it is better to forgive that let the negative emotions fester inside of you. That is the road to broken marriages and relationships!