Why I’m a Hope Dealer (and a Recovering Control Freak)

“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You.” — Isaiah 26:3

Confession from Your Pastor

Let me start with a confession.

I’m a hope dealer—but I didn’t always know how to deal hope correctly.
For a long time, I tried to manufacture peace by controlling outcomes.

And spoiler alert:
That never works.

I learned this the hard way—in my marriage.

Control feels productive… until it bankrupts your peace.

---

The Illusion We All Buy Into

We all believe the same lie:

“If I can just control the situation, the people, the timing, the outcome—then I’ll finally feel at peace.”

So we try to manage:

• The weather

• The schedule

• The room

• The email

• The marriage

• The people we love

Two quick reminders:

1. You can’t control the weather

2. You definitely can’t control people

Ever notice how the two things we try hardest to control are the two things God never gave us authority over?

---

This Is Where Marriages Start to Die

Marriages don’t usually die because of conflict.
They die because of control disguised as concern.

“I just want what’s best for you.”
“I just think you’d be better if…”
“I just need you to show up like I do.”

That was me.

As a pastor, I had an image in my head of what a pastor’s wife was supposed to look like.

I wanted Renee to be:

• Up front

• Leading the choir

• Teaching the women’s Bible study

• Comfortable on the stage

• Doing ministry the way I do ministry

And she’s not that.

She never has been.

Healthy marriages focus less on fixing the other person and more on faithfully choosing their own responses.

Sometimes the problem isn’t that people won’t change—it’s that we want them to become someone God never asked them to be.

Why Control Always Kills Peace

Psychological research consistently shows that perceived lack of control increases stress, anxiety, and hopelessness.

But here’s the twist: peace doesn’t come from controlling everything—it comes from controlling the right things.

Viktor Frankl famously said that between stimulus and response there is a space—and in that space lies our power to choose.

Scripture said it first:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

God never told you to manage the world—He told you to steward your heart.

---

The Moment God Broke Me (In the Best Way)

One day, Renee’s dad told me something that absolutely wrecked me—in the best way.

He said,
“John, when Renee was growing up, every Sunday she’d come home from church, go into her room, set it up like a sanctuary, pull out her Casio keyboard, and play hymns like she was the church pianist.”

Let that sink in.

She wasn’t pretending to preach.
She wasn’t leading the choir.
She wasn’t in front of anyone.

She was accompanying.
Supporting.
Creating atmosphere.
Providing the music others sang to.

And suddenly it hit me:

The problem wasn’t Renee.
The problem was me.

I know, duh!

I wasn’t trying to help her grow—I was trying to control how her calling showed up.

---

What I Learned About Control and Calling

I was trying to pull her on stage when God had wired her for behind the scenes.

She wasn’t called to be loud.
She was called to be foundational.

She builds:

• Multimedia

• Musical environments

• Support systems

• Spaces where others shine

She doesn’t need the spotlight.
She creates it.
Not everyone is called to be seen—but everyone is called to be essential.

Maybe…just maybe…Peace comes when you stop managing people and start honoring their design.

I think this is true for parenting as well.

---

Why I’m a Hope Dealer Now

Here’s what I know now:

You will never have peace trying to control what God never gave you authority over.

You can’t control:

• Other people

• Outcomes

• Storms

• Timelines

But you can control:

• Your response

• Your posture

• Your decisions

• Whether you move toward hope or resentment

“Above all else, guard your heart.” — Proverbs 4:23

God never asked you to manage everyone else—just yourself.

---

Hope Is Choosing the Right Control

Hope isn’t denial.
Hope is discipline.

Research shows hopeful people recover faster, live healthier, and persevere longer. Scripture calls hope an anchor.

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul.” — Hebrews 6:19

Anchors don’t stop storms.
They stop drifting.

Hope doesn’t change the weather—it keeps you steady in it.

---

I’m a hope dealer because…

I’ve seen what happens when you stop trying to control people and start trusting God.

I stopped trying to make Renee like me—and started thanking God He made her not like me.

And peace followed.

You’ll never find peace controlling others.
But you can find it surrendering control and choosing hope—every single day.

The Best Is Yet to Come,

Rev. John Roberts